


living is so hard to do

by ineffablesociety



Category: Papillon (2018)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M, Sad, Terminal Illnesses, Title: Time For Miracles by Adam Lambert, post escape, tw death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 11:18:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18548695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineffablesociety/pseuds/ineffablesociety
Summary: dega is sick, and there is nothing the doctors can do to make him better. papi knows this is the end. he is losing the love of his life.





	living is so hard to do

It had been four few years since Papi and Dega escaped Devil's Island together. They had settled down in southeast Venezuela. They tried their best to stay away from the police and other authorities, as both of them were still wanted men in France. They had learned that anyone could rat them out and have them sent back to prison - the hard way.

Dega had fallen ill. It started as nothing, just a little cold. It then grew to an awful fever, body aches, nausea and chills. He eventually had to be hospitalized, which didn't help much. He was still feverish, weak and couldn't hold much down. The hospital was unsanitary. The doctors didn't have much to work with. They were very poor. Patients died every day. They didn't know what was going on.

Papi worried about Dega daily. He knew Dega was only getting worse and worse. He couldn't even force optimism anymore. He saw the way the color was leaving Dega's skin, the way the light was leaving his eyes. Dega never stopped shaking or coughing. His fever hadn't gone down for more than a few hours. He had no energy. He had no interest in talking or eating or drinking like he used to. Papi feared this was the end. He thought about it multiple times while in prison, but he was almost certain this was it. Louis was dying.

It was a rainy, cold day. The sky was grey. Unwelcoming. Everyone made sure to stay indoors. Flooding could happen at any moment. Papi sat at Dega's bedside, holding his hand. Dega's grip was loose. His skin was hot and slowly growing colder. He was unconscious. There was a painful, heavy feeling in Papi's chest. _Is this how it's supposed to end? With him in horrible pain?_ It vaguely reminded him of the time it was the other way around. With Dega visiting Papi in a hospital. When they were plotting their first escape plan. There was a somewhat happy ending. He wished he could go back to those days. Life wasn't always a guarantee, but he was no where near as worried. The chances of surviving were greater.

 _I'd do anything for him to stay._ Papi thought. _I'd even go through seven more years of solitary confinement. I want him out of pain. I want him to be his happy, healthy self once more, painting portraits of our fat, bitchy cat on our back porch on warm afternoons._

“Dega..?” Papi whispered softly. “Louis?”

Dega opened his eyes. He looked up at Papi. He felt cold, despite his high temperature, and almost out of body. His strength and energy were nearly gone. Something in the back of his mind told him this would be the last time he was awake. Fear gripped him, but he couldn't focus on it. He wanted to spend his possible last moments with Papi.

“I love you, Louis,” Papi whispered. The painful feeling in his chest got worse. The world got dimmer. “More than anything else in this world. I know I'm hard to handle sometimes, and I've threatened to kill our cat more times than I can count, but I have always loved you. Not even the stars in the sky amount to how much I love you.”

Dega smiled weakly. He cleared his throat. “I love you, too, Henri... So much.” His voice sounded small and tired. He squeezed Papi's hand. It broke Papi's heart even more.

Papi leaned down and gently kissed his forehead. He had tears in his eyes. He blinked and took a deep breath, doing his best to hold them back. “And you know, you can let go.” The tears threatened to fall. _How in the hell am I saying this? How do you tell the love of your life it's okay to let go, to die, when you really want them here? He's not going to get better._ “I know you must hurt beyond belief. Y-You c-can let go, My Love...” 

Dega shook his head slowly. “The thought of losing you scares me.” His voice seemed to be stronger this time. He brought his hand up to Papi's cheek and caressed it gently. “I love you, Papi. An-And... I want to be with you.” He took a shaky deep breath to surpress his tears. It was becoming harder to breathe. He knew this was the end, too. He didn't want to leave Papi. He couldn't bare to imagine the thought of Papi living alone, with only their cat as company. He doubted Papi would try to find anyone else. Everyone he had ever loved was being taken away from him.

“Louis,” Papi placed a hand over Dega's hand that was placed on his cheek. A few tears fell down his cheeks. “Don't suffer just for me, Love. If it's your time... It's your time.” He couldn't hold back the tears anymore. They flowed freely. He let out a small sob. He wiped his tears away. He then kissed Dega's hand. “I love you.”

Dega nodded. His breathing was becoming more shallow. Papi guided his hand back down. His grip lingered for a brief moment before he let go. He still held Dega's hand. Dega blinked and tears rolled down his cheeks as well. “I-I love you...” he replied shakily. He didn't want to leave. He forced himself to stay awake. He doing his best to fight the monster called death.

Papi remained silent. He and Dega held hands. Both of them were crying. Papi kissed Dega's forehead, then cheeks. _Looks like they're about to gain another angel. The love of my life. That I can't believe is going to die right before my eyes. I can't do a damn thing about it._

As time passed, Dega's breathing became even more shallow. His eyes threatened to fall shut each time he blinked. Papi refused to leave. Even when Dega was reduced to only gasping for breath. Once Dega's eyes fell closed, Papi knew this was it. He'd never see Dega's beautiful, green eyes open again. He'd never see his smile. He'd never wake up to him holding their cat and talking to her like a baby again. Every little thing he took for granted, he would never see again.

The world slowly lost its light. It became colder. Time stood still. Papi couldn't stop crying. Dega was completely still and oddly peaceful. He finally found eternal peace. Finally out of pain.

_Go ahead, Baby. Just let go. I won't be mad at you. I know you're tired and in pain. I love you, so so so much. You're another angel now. You have escaped the possibility of going back to prison forever._

_You are the love of my life. No one else can or will ever replace you. I'll never forget you. We couldn't get married, legally, but I know you were the one. You were my husband, not just my boyfriend. I knew it the moment we escape Devil's Island._

_I love you, Louis Dega._


End file.
